After the whirlwind birth that we had experienced, things did not get any easier once Ava was born. I knew what to expect because the head neonatologist had told me, but seeing my tiny baby attached to all sorts of things was so hard. And I just couldn't believe how small she was! I think that was the first thing that I said to Matt after she was born. I was finally able to see Ava after about 2 hours when they were transferring me to the postpartum wing. I couldn't hold her, but through my tears, I held her little hand and told her how much I loved her. (I cried A LOT those first few days!) One of her doctors talked to me and told me that Ava was actually in much better shape than they thought she would be. She had a nasal cannula which basically gives puffs of air into the lungs to help them expand, but she didn't need any extra oxygen. They also put a line in the umbilical cord stump so that they wouldn't have to stick her with needles over and over again. Because she didn't have any fat and couldn't regulate her body temperature, she had to be naked and was put on a warming bed. Seeing my baby like this was so scary, but I knew that she was in the best possible hands and they were going to do everything for her.
We were able to visit Ava at anytime, day or night, while I was in the hospital. I never wanted to leave her side,
but it was also so hard to just sit there and not be able to hold her. I spent most of my time with her those first few days crying and telling her how much I loved her. The day that I was discharged, which was 4 days after Ava was born, I was finally able to hold her. I was relieved, but terrified. She was just so small and I was almost afraid to hold her because I didn't want to hurt her. With preemies, the doctors have you do kangaroo care. This is where the baby lays on you, skin to skin. It helps with the mother's milk production, but also helps you form a bond with the baby. They placed Ava on my chest and I wrapped my robe around her and I was in heaven! It felt so good to finally be able to hold my little baby.
There were many ups and downs in the beginning. Even though Ava did great right after birth, she got tired after that first day and did need more help breathing. It seemed like every time she made progress, the next time I saw her she took a little step backwards. It was a hard way to learn that sometimes you really do take two steps forward and one step back to make progress. Seeing my baby like this, it was very hard not to blame myself. I couldn't understand why I went into pre-term labor and if there was something that I had done wrong. I felt like I had let my baby down. I felt like one of the only things I could do for her was provide milk. I would pump and then they would give her the milk through a feeding tube that went in her nose and down to her stomach. Not only did Ava's doctors and nurses help her, but they also offered me emotional support. We were lucky to have such great people caring for her.
After about a week, Ava was moved into an isolette where they could control the humidity level so that it was easier for her to breath. We went to the hospital every day to spend time with Ava and I always dreaded leaving. A mom isn't supposed to have to leave her baby at the hospital. I also called the NICU every night before I went to sleep to see how much Ava weighed and just to check in. After a few more weeks of Ava doing well, they moved her to the trans-NICU. This is where they put the babies who are doing well and don't need as close supervision anymore. At this point, we were just waiting for Ava to be able to regulate her body temp., eat on her own and for her breathing to become more regular.
The day that I walked in and saw Ava in an open crib, I was so excited. This meant that she was able to regulate her body temperature enough to be in open air. Ava had been gaining weight very well and was quite the little bruiser compared to the other preemies, so we weren't surprised that she could keep a consistent temperature. Now she just had to get eating and breathing down. She would do great with one of them, but then have trouble with the other and it went back and forth like this for a while. The doctors put Ava on caffeine to help her breathing. This is common for preemies because caffeine stimulates the respiratory center in the brain and helps them remember to keep breathing and to take big breaths.
The single scariest moment in my entire life was one May Saturday afternoon. It was the same day of the surprise baby shower that my mom and sister had planned for me. I was at the NICU with my parents before the party and I was trying to give Ava a bottle. She still was having a hard time sucking at this point and was taking most of her feedings through the tube. She didn't seem interested in the bottle, but I asked the nurse if she had any tips. She took Ava and said she would try. She tried giving Ava the bottle who didn't open her mouth at all, so the nurse squeezed her cheeks and shoved the bottle in. The milk must have went right down Ava's throat when she wasn't expecting it because she stopped breathing. Ava had choked before and the nurses would rub and pat her back and she would recover, but not this time..
At first, I didn't think it was a big deal, but as the seconds went by I started getting a little panicked, especially when Ava started turning blue. The nurse must have noticed because she said, it's okay, just move out of the way. Behind me was the wall with the oxygen and other emergency equipment. Because Ava was in the trans-NICU, there was only one nurse in there. The mothers of the two other preemies in there started looking very concerned as well as they realized what was going on and one of them went and got another nurse. Meanwhile, the nurse was giving Ava oxygen, but she was still unresponsive. The nurse practitioner and about 5 other nurses came rushing in and laid Ava down and suctioned her out and she started breathing. One of the other nurses was trying to comfort me as I was sobbing uncontrollably. After the nurse practitioner examined Ava and made sure that she was okay and didn't have fluid in her lungs she reassured me and told me that I should pick her up to comfort myself and to let her know that I was there. I held Ava tighter than I ever had, cried, and just kept telling her how much I love her. I just couldn't get the image of my blue, lifeless baby out of my mind. Leaving her that afternoon was so hard.
Well, eventually Ava got the breathing thing down and then she got the eating thing down and we finally thought that we'd be able to bring her home. But, then she started having problems breathing again. They put her back on caffeine which helped immensely. We got our apnea monitor training so that we'd be ready when she was finally given her walking papers. The last 2 weeks was the hardest, most frustrating time because she was doing so well with everything, but there was always that 1 thing that she had problems with. I would get so jealous watching the other families leaving with their babies. I just wanted it to be our turn! I knew that she wasn't ready and I didn't want her to come home until she was 100% ready, but it was still so hard.
After being on the caffeine for 5 days or so, the doctors repeated a 12 hour sleep study to see if Ava's breathing was strong enough for her to come home. I wasn't getting my hopes up because I had been let down so many times already and I just couldn't be disappointed again. But, they gave me good news...we could bring our baby home! After a loooong 51 days in the NICU, Ava was coming home! I don't think I've ever smiled as much as I did the day that we went to pick her up. I probably looked like such an idiot walking into that room because I couldn't stop smiling, but I didn't care, I was so happy and excited that my baby was finally healthy enough and ready to come home.
No comments:
Post a Comment